Rose: My mother always used to say: "The older you get, the better you get, unless you're a banana."
Blanche: The Great Herring War?
Rose: Between the Lindstroms and the Johannsens.
Dorothy: Oh, THAT Great Herring War.
Rose: Well, I'm here if you want to pick my brain.
Dorothy: Rose, honey. Maybe we should leave it alone and let it heal.
Dorothy: Hi, ma. Where are you going?
Sophia: To the boardwalk. I like to watch the old guys rearrange themselves when they come out of the water.
Blanche: This is strictly off the record but Dirk is nearly five years younger than I am.
Dorothy: In what, Blanche, dog years?
Blanche: I swear with God as my witness, I will never pick up another man!... in a library... on a Saturday... unless he's cute... and drives a nice car... Amen
Rose: I can't believe my mother is out riding around on a smelly old bus. Being pushed around, harassed, possibly even mugged by hostile teenagers with bad haircuts!
Rose: You... you... you rude person!
Dorothy: Go easy on him, Rose.
Sophia: Come on, Blanche.
Rose: I'm Rose.
Sophia: Simple mistake, means nothing.
Dorothy: Why don't you just tell him that you don't know who he is?
Rose: And hurt an old friend? Boy, Dorothy, no wonder nobody likes you.
Sophia: Picture it... Sicily.
Rose: How long were Jean and Pat married?
Dorothy: They were together for about eight years.
Rose: Poor thing. I wish there was something I could do... I know! I'll make my world-famous ice cream clown sundaes! You know, the kind with the little raisin eyes and the sugar cone caps.
Dorothy: If that doesn't fill the void, nothing will.
Rose: Like we say in St. Olaf, Christmas without fruitcake is like St. Sigmund's Day without the headless boy.
Sophia: If this sauce were a person, I'd get naked and make love to it.
Sophia: And what will I do when every other old lady on the block is watching The Cosby Show?
Dorothy: Well, ma, I guess you can sit on the new driveway and hope an amusing black family comes along.
Sophia: In Sicily, we never went to the doctor. We went to the Widow Caravelli. Whatever you had, she had a cure. She was most famous for her green salve to cure ear infections. One day, she gave some to Salvadore, the village idiot. He misunderstood the directions and put in on his linguine instead of in his ear.
Dorothy: Well, I guess if you're an idiot with a hearing problem, you do things like that.
Sophia: Actually, it turned out ok. The stuff tasted great, so Salvadore decided to market it. At first, things didn't go so well. Linguine with ear salve wasn't very appetizing-but once he changed the name to pesto sauce, it sold like hot cakes!
Dorothy: Ma, you're making this up!
Sophia: So what? I'm old, I'm supposed to be colorful.
Dorothy: Aw, Rose, did you have a leak in your room too?
Rose: No, Dorothy. I was just milking the cow I keep in my closet. Wow, with only three hours of sleep, I can be as bitchy as you!
Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Dorothy: Now look here... You withered old Sicilian monkey!
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